Difficult conversations are part of school leadership. Whether you are addressing concerns about teaching, professional conduct, resistance to change, conflict between colleagues, poor performance or accountability, avoiding the conversation rarely makes the problem disappear.
In fact, the longer an issue is left, the more difficult it can become.
So why do leaders avoid these conversations? Often, it is because we do not want to upset people, damage relationships or create conflict. Sometimes we simply lack confidence about how to start. This can be particularly challenging in international schools, where communities are often smaller and close-knit, and where personal and professional relationships can overlap.
But difficult conversations do not have to be confrontational.
Difficult conversations or difficult people?
One of the most important distinctions for leaders is between a difficult conversation and a difficult person.
It is easy to label someone as difficult when they are resistant, defensive or challenging. But labelling the person can make the situation worse. Instead, leaders should focus on the behaviour or issue that needs to be addressed.
Rather than asking, “Why is this person so difficult?”, ask:
“What is making this conversation difficult, and what do I need to do differently?”
This changes the focus. We are no longer judging the person; we are trying to understand the situation and address the issue.
Why do we need to have these conversations?
Difficult conversations are not about catching people out or proving that a leader is right. They should have a clear purpose.
Handled well, they can improve teaching and learning, create accountability, protect school culture, provide honest feedback and help colleagues improve.
The key is to consider whether the conversation is worth having — and if it is, not to leave it until the issue has become significantly more difficult.
A conversation about repeated lateness, for example, may initially be relatively straightforward. If the issue is ignored and becomes a pattern, it may eventually become a much more serious performance or accountability issue. The same applies to concerns about teaching, professional conduct or following school policies.
Preparation makes a difference
One of the biggest reasons difficult conversations go wrong is poor preparation.
Leaders can become distracted, lose sight of the original issue, rely on vague language or raise too many concerns at once. Without clear evidence, the conversation can quickly become about opinions rather than facts.
Before the conversation, make sure you have the evidence you need, are clear about the issue you want to address and understand what you would like to achieve.
It is also important to choose the right time and place. The person should understand why the meeting is taking place and what will be discussed.
Listen to understand
Once you have explained the concern, give the other person an opportunity to respond.
This sounds simple, but it can be difficult when you believe you already know what has happened. Good leaders listen, ask questions and check their understanding before jumping to a solution.
Questions such as:
“Can you help me understand what’s happening from your perspective?”
“What do you think is causing this?”
“What have you tried so far?”
can help uncover information that may have been missed.
Listening does not mean lowering expectations. You can listen carefully while still being clear about what needs to change.
There is no single approach
Not every difficult conversation requires the same leadership response.
The Thomas-Kilmann model identifies five approaches to conflict: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding and accommodating. The important point is that there is no single “best” approach. Effective leaders need to consider the situation and choose the response that is most appropriate.
A serious safeguarding concern, for example, may require a much more assertive approach. A disagreement about how a department could improve may be better approached collaboratively.
The skill is knowing when to adapt your approach.
Keep the conversation focused on the issue
It is important to avoid allowing the conversation to become personal.
Use specific examples rather than generic labels. Avoid statements such as “You always…” or “You never…”. Be precise about what has happened and why it matters.
Most importantly, keep ownership with the other person. Leaders can support and challenge colleagues, but they should not automatically take on all the actions themselves.
A successful conversation should end with clarity about what happens next, who is responsible and when progress will be reviewed.
Five tips for getting difficult conversations right
- Know when to have the conversation
Don’t wait and hope the problem will disappear. Address issues early, before they become bigger problems, and make sure you have the evidence to support the conversation.
- Prepare properly
Have your evidence ready and be clear about what you want to achieve.
- Focus on behaviour, not the person
Avoid labels. Talk about what you have actually seen, heard or observed.
- Listen and be prepared to adapt
Give the other person a genuine opportunity to explain their perspective. Your understanding of the situation may change.
- Manage your emotions
Stay calm, clear and respectful. If emotions become too high, consider whether it is better to pause and return to the conversation later.
Difficult conversations are a leadership responsibility
Ultimately, having difficult conversations is not about being tough. It is about being a responsible leader.
Schools need leaders who are prepared to address issues honestly while also supporting the people involved. Creating a culture of honest conversations starts with giving leaders the confidence, tools and support to have them well.
The question for every school leader is simple: What is the conversation you know you need to have, and what is stopping you from having it?
If you’re thinking about developing leadership in your school, we’d be happy to talk.
Our NPQ programmes support current and aspiring school leaders to develop their knowledge, skills and confidence. You may also like to read this short blog post about the NPQs we’re offering, starting in November 2026.
We also offer bespoke leadership training, shaped around your school’s priorities, from difficult conversations and middle and senior leadership to teaching and learning, professional development and school improvement.
Thanks for reading,
Costa Constantinou (BA, PGCE, MA)
Author of “A School Leader’s Guide to Leading Professional Development”.
